You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
