Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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