I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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