Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
should my penis look like a turkey
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
