He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
