I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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