you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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