My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
