A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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