$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
