he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Less talking, more tequila
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
