do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize