someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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