If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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