i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
