Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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