hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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