I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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