I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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