I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
