i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize