So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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