i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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