there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
