You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
