What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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