Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
no, he came in my armpit
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
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