it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
