I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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