Where are you?
In a non slutty way
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
