I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize