i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
