is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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