walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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