Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
