the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
