he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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