if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize