i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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