Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
