I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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