If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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