now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I think my vagina is haunted
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Randomize
