soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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