you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
