Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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