if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
