I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
