I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Dignity is for republicans.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
