Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Is it penis luge time yet?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
