she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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