The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize