I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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