it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
