we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize