If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
