I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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