OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
